S3: Fine Line - Episode 27 - Elizabeth

[Intro Music]

Narrator:  Welcome to Season three Fine Line narrative histories about mental health and mental illness, a traveling exhibition and weekly podcast edited and hosted by Michael Nye, supported by Kronkosky Charitable Foundation. May you find insight and understanding in these voices. Episode 27, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:  I woke up at five 30. I love to wake up early. My favorite thing is to go in the backyard, watch the birds. It was a cold morning. It was drizzling. I had an appointment to go downtown that morning to get to the bus. I walked down about a half a mile and everything was fine. A normal day. When I got on the bus, I went to a favorite spot by the window. The first sensation was there was too much noise, too many notes. All of a sudden, everything is flooding my mind. I don’t know why I’m going anywhere.

I’m not sure. Someone’s not out to get me. I’m going insane. I feel like everyone’s thinking. There’s that insane person. Sometimes I feel like, especially if some man just says hello, just being friendly, I feel like he’s after me, and all this stuff starts flooding my mind. It moves beyond fear. It’s horror. Horror. I can hear and feel my heart pounding, pounding, like it’s knocking on my chest wall. My hands are pretty clammy. I was scared. I was afraid they would be afraid of me. I had no control over my tears, so I got on the floor of the bus so I could hide for a while hoping this would pass. I was crying. It’s just terrifying. So humiliating. No dignity, afraid to look into anyone’s eyes. It’s like a storm in your brain. It comes out of nowhere like thunder. It’s petrifying. Then I got interrupted.

The bus driver said I needed to get off the bus. Miss, you need to get off the bus. Now you’re causing a disruption. I didn’t feel like I could move. I was two people. I felt like I was two people. I made myself get up off the floor and slowly walked to the front of the bus and got off. When I got off the bus, there was a telephone pole, and I went over to it and held onto it until I felt stable. That’s what it feels like to go through this, not to be in my own skin. That’s what a panic attack feels like.

[Outro Music]

Host:  Fine line – Mental health, mental illness is about understanding. There is so much wisdom in these voices. These stories are a part of our shared humanity as well as our shared fragility. Thank you, Elizabeth, for your presence, for your wisdom and your powerful voice. May something in her story stay with you. I’m Michael Nye. You can go to my website, michaelnye.org/podcast. For portraits and transcripts, thank you for listening.